Monday, January 12, 2009

So, I Swear I'm Not Dead

I've been really lax about updating this for a long time. Also, my writing has been stymied by an absolutely incredibly amount of apathy, illness, and general malaise.

But it's a new year. I had some movie updates from weeks ago that I was going to put up, and some top ten lists for the end of the year, but I decided that it wasn't worth bothering about. I don't think the number of people who care about my list of top films or games is high enough to bother with finishing them, especially since it's now nearly two weeks into the new year and I'm past the fashionably late stage.

Lately I've been suffering from cabin fever. Every time I make plans to go out, something happens and the plans dissolve and I don't go anywhere. I can't remember the last time I had a night out. It was some time ago, that's for sure. Before Christmas? Yeah, I think so.

I go through phases, though, and right now I'm in one of those phases where I'm not into the idea of a lot of company. I'm quite content to be on my own. But at the same time, there's a mental tension that happens when it's a long time between outings. And that tension has made me restless and a little detached from everything.

The sheen of unreality continues unabated with the winter weather. It seems like we're coming out of it early only to backslide. Today it was snowing and raining. It was pretty awful. Yet at the same time, now it's bright and warming up. It's getting lighter earlier and dark later, I've noticed, but the passage of time isn't really felt otherwise. I exist, the cycle continues, and time moves on without me.

Part of this problem is because of my detachment from my usual schedule. I have no books or movies. I haven't seen a movie in weeks, which is also sad. There were a lot of movies that looked good this season, but I just haven't been able to get to them for one reason or another.

Last winter was much colder, though. Probably because a large part of last winter was spent at diners at 3 in the morning, in the dead of the darkest part of the year. There's nothing quite like midnight diners. Everything was more intimate, but at the same time it was much more lonely. Colder and darker.

This winter's been kind of bright. I've been in a semi-normal sleep schedule, and I rarely stay up that late anymore (and never out and about). But it's been much more clinical. It's very clean and sterile for a messy season. And that's just really contributed. Winter during the day is stark and boring and standoffish. Nobody feels together. It's hard to be philosophical. You just want to scrape your car and get to where you're going.

I've been essentially done with writing since NaNo. Now that the year has begun, it's time to start thinking about it again. And I have been. I have a novel that's only about half finished, and I have other books that need to be edited. But between them, I barely have the motivation to open the documents before getting frustrated and closing the whole thing. I'm not sure what my problem is, but I am trying to build up a habit again. This is a part of it, even if this blog post is awful and rambling and as directionless as a blind man in a field.

Lately I've been in a position that a normal person would probably turn towards religion. But this is me, so I'm just grumpy and looking for something in my philosophies to help me get out of the quagmire I find myself. Apathy reigns, the spirit wanes, and I await something to catch flame.

I wonder which will come first, my mental thaw or the one around me?

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