Counterbalances and the Dreams Resultant

It's come to my attention that I'm a counterbalance to the people around me. Whether this is just coincidence (the rational explanation) or whether there is some sort of karmic and/or psychic reasoning behind it is really up to interpretation. I'm not all that keen on believing there's a link myself, but I can't deny the apparent truths I see.

Let me illustrate it this way. I typically don't sleep. Well, I do, but it's not much and it's not very well. I'm okay with this. I'm actually attuned to not sleeping.

Lately, due to perhaps the pollen in the air or my general apathy (more on that later) or whatever-you-will, I've been sleeping more. Not just more, but lots lots more. As in, twelve hours at a time. No problem. Just drop for hours on end and wake up when you need to.

Odd, yes. But the odder (more odd?) thing is that the moment I started doing this, my friend Sarah and my father both started suffering sleeping troubles. In fact, it seems the more I slept, the less they did and the less restful it was when they finally were able to.

The conclusion: I was steeling their sleep from them to use for myself.

Now, I know that it sounds kind of ridiculous, but the more I think about it the more sense it makes. Because it doesn't just extend to sleep, but to other things in my life, as well.

I have two friends who write--Sarah and Angela. Both of them are fairly serious about their writing. And both of them are currently doing a good job writing. At the same time, I'm struck with extreme writing apathy. And back in the day when I was tearing it up, they struggled.

Conclusion: When my writing friends write, I cannot. Converse is also true.

And a final note. My mood is highly volatile, sure, but it seems as though in true psychic vampire fashion, my happiness and positive nature only comes at the expense of others. Those around me are frustrated? I am carefree. If they are angry, I am calm. It works both ways, too.

Conclusion: My emotions are inversely proportional to those around me.

These conclusions only point to one thing. If we are all linked together by the varied gossamer threads of experience, then I am diametrically opposed to those I am connected to. What they feel, I will lack. What they gain, I lose. One might draw this out and state that this can only end in either A) tragedy for all involved or B) my ascention to god-like status as they all die off.

Or ... y'know ... not. But it was a thought.

Anyway, in unrelated news, with all this sleeping I'm finally getting some dreams again. Anybody who knows me knows that I never ever remember my dreams. It's just ... not something I'm very good at. Never have been. But this weekend, with all my sleep, I've had some doozies. And they're odd, kind of prophetic sorts of dreams.

I've had a recurring dream twice now concerning a friend I've long since lost contact with. One of the shaping forces in my teen years, she just kind of drifted away. I know she's out there, somewhere, but hell if I know how to get a hold of her. I'm wondering why my subconscious thinks it would be a good idea, though.

That is, when I'm not having my recurring dream where I have to retake my senior year of high school, for some reason. And I'm always coming back after being gone and have piles of work to catch up on right before the end of the year. I suppose it's my own special recurring 'failure' dream. Though this time it involved a teacher that it never involves. Once again spitting up flotsam for me to figure out.

It's worth noting that no matter how many times I forget it in my dreams, I can never ever remember my locker combination (and half the time its location). But then, this was a very real fear in high school. I never KNEW my locker combination, in like a "I can rattle this off the top of my head" way. I had to stand there and spin it, and the right combo would just come to me.

Deep seated fear of uncertainty, or general boring "I forgot to wear pants" dream?

I won't psychoanalyze too hard. It's still early.

When the Weekend is Wintery

There was an interesting ice storm on Friday. The whole world covered in a quarter inch of frozen water. There was some absolutely wonderful sights. Grass that was individuated and sheltered from other grass by sheathes of ice. Branches that looked like crystal decorations. I even saw one person who left flowers out on a porch and they were things of glass and beauty. I wonder if it wasn't on purpose.

I was driving when it hit. I slid Adam home, and then stayed with him. The last time I slept in the same room as him was when we roomed together in college. So much time passes, and yet the body doesn't forget. We're crashed on his couches, tired and content. And the memories just burst back. We're a thousand miles from college (spiritually) and yet here it is again. That feeling. It was bittersweet. I had forgotten what it was like to feel sweet nostalgia. My nostalgia has been of the bitter, revelatory kind because of my novel.

Within a day all the ice was gone, which was fine by me. I even went out to breakfast last night. Old men falling apart, people who live in bars, college students drifting through their life. These people all converge at the late night Cecils. Anyone who is in Omaha owes it to themselves to go to Cecils on a weekend night. They're open from 11 until 4 AM on Friday and Saturday, and they're the best greasy spoon in the area. It's not just a meal, it's an experience.

When I was there this drunk shrew of a woman pulled a giant ziplock bag out of her purse and started handing everyone chinese finger traps. Amusing, sure, but I'm not sure what else I think about it, if anything. I'm not above (if you're arrogant enough to look at it that way) looking for signs and messages in life. And here comes a cheap wicker sign to me, sliding across the dirty counter like manna from heaven.

When we're stuck, when we're unhappy, the normal response is to fight it. To retreat, to flee, to turn whatever is bad around to 'something not-bad'. The trick is that often our reactions are more harmful than the natural course of events. The more you struggle, the tighter the trap becomes. It's only when we close in and allow ourselves to dive into our issues that we can find their solution. Enlightenment over animal instincts. I believe that I was told that key lesson last night for a reason.

Too bad I don't know what it is.

Current Reading Queue:
Just finished Heretics of Dune last night.
Started The Bell Jar today.

Novelling Status and Goals:
Words Written Last Week: 12,000
Days of Disappointment: 4
Words to Write This Week: 10,000 (and pull myself past this scene of hell I'm in)
Days I'm Allowed to Slack Off: Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday