Sunday, February 3, 2008

On a more personal note.

I don't normally write about specifically personal matters in this blog. Yes, they are things that are important to me, but ... it's more of a content thing. Mining my thoughts for coherent things to presnt to the concept of a 'reader'. The problem is, I don't have much in the way of readers. So why hold myself back? Who do I have to live up to?

Normally something like this would go into a long email that I would send off to the person I most trust with the information. But ... not this time. Mostly because she already knows everything I would say here. Might even be said that she knows it better and truer than I do. But she was always smarter than me in a lot of things.

I'm not writing for her. I'm writing for me. And this is what this blog is about. Me. And this post especially. The topic is me, and me relating to me, and all sorts of other egocentric things.

It's been coming to my attention for the past few months, more and more, that I'm not who I want to be. There's a disconnect between what I'm doing and what I'm capable of. Not just in a "the path is long and I'm looking too much towards the future" because I do that a lot too and I know what that looks like.

This is different. This is seeing the parts of myself that just ... aren't working. The things that will hurt me. Actively hurt me. There are so many things I want to be and so many things I want to do, and I've limited myself for so long because of a long list of issues.

I'd like to think that I could end that disconnect. I'd like to think that I could have that potential I know is within me. There's a fire there that can be harnessed and grown and tapped into to make everything burn brightly. Right now it takes so much effort to get it to burn. But at least it still burns.

If I have my way, in two years I'll be out of Nebraska for good. That's out there for everyone to see now. I don't have a clue where I'm going yet, but I'm not going to let that be a deterrent. I can't let that be a deterrent. This place isn't me anymore. And what I could find here isn't the life I want for myself. Not bad memories, but ... something similar to that. A bad future.

I'm going to change my life. I do this mostly because I'm pretty sure I can. If I can't, I've been wrong about everything I've ever believed in and I need to seriously reevaluate what I'm doing with my life. If I can do it, I'm right and I'll be gone and free and onto bigger and better things. Sure that I know what the hell I'm talking about for once. I play at being sure a lot, but I'm not very sure most of the time.

I have to be sure of something. I have to know something is under my power, at least a little. My life is the only thing that I own irrefutably. I can determine how I spend my time. I can determine how effective I am. I determine the quality of life I have. So I might as well be sure of this.

It's hard to see the potential in the present moment. I know that. I know a lot of people don't see it. And even my sight is limited. But I think I see it better than most. I'm just unsure if I have the willpower to turn conception into reality. I'd like to think that I can order life to my whim, but does it really work that way? In the end it's up to me to find out the answer for myself.

I'm a writer. Writer's write. They also have to edit and get published if they want to be a working writer. I want to be a working writer. So I don't know why I sometimes don't feel like writing. It doesn't make any sense. But I do it anyway. I want to stop that.

I used to think that I could only have one dream. I had a dream, and then I was willing to give it up for another dream, and then that fell apart in my hands and I picked back up the old dream. I don't think it has to be that way. I can have both dreams. I can have more than those, even, should I choose to have them.

The problem with living a life in service to a goal or purpose is that you have to take risks and be willing to sacrifice. I like to talk about being rich and famous, but I'm fairly certain it will never happen. I am going to be a poor, misunderstood type of writer. Mostly because I'm completely ignorant of what makes a popular book popular but most popular books make me want to burn them when I read them. Not condusive to making fans.

There is a long list of things I'd love to see and do. I'd also like to make a difference in the world. I'm not sure yet if I can have both. Not fully. One is always going to have to be lacking. Hell, maybe both of them will have to be lacking. But if I had to ask myself to pick between the following three choices:

  1. Love every moment of my life but make no difference.
  2. Make an incredible difference but be disappointed in my life.
  3. Make a moderate difference and be more or less okay with life.

I think I'd have to choose somewhere between 2 and 3. I pick three, I'm settling for the middle ground of normalcy where I juggle priorities. I pick 2 I become a miserable, cantankerous bastard for the rest of my life as I continue to succeed and remain convinced that it's not good enough.

Oh wait. I do that already.

I really hope I have the ability I think I might have, and that other people see in me. But I'm tired of playing guessing games. I want to achieve. I want to excel. Most of all, I want to be sure. I want to be free and open and sure. Sure enough to be unsure.

That would be very great indeed.

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